Atlanta Opens NFL’s First Quarterback Lost & Found

FLOWERY BRANCH — After an exhaustive two-week search for competent quarterback play, Atlanta has reportedly decided to widen the applicant pool. Considerably.

Cooper Rush followed up his 143-yard, two-interception opener with a Week 2 masterpiece: 86 passing yards, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions and a lost fumble in a 34–3 loss.

Through two weeks, Atlanta’s starting quarterback has produced 229 passing yards, 1 touchdown, 4 interceptions and a 42.5 passer rating.

At this point, the Falcons aren’t looking for a franchise quarterback. They’re looking for anyone with an arm and reliable transportation. Sources inside the organization say the team has opened the NFL’s first Quarterback Lost & Found, with walk-in applications now being accepted at the team facility.

REQUIREMENTS:
• Must be 18+
• Previous quarterback experience considered a plus
• Must know which color jersey Atlanta wears
• Ability to throw for 100 yards strongly preferred
• Interceptions are acceptable, but apparently there is a limit
• Functioning ACLs appreciated
• Please bring your own cleats

Early applicants reportedly include:

Steve from Accounting — Played JV in 2007. Claims he can still “spin it.”

Random Dad, 42 — Impressive résumé of hitting children in stride at neighborhood cookouts.

Local Flag Football Guy — Described himself on the application as “basically Tom Brady.”

Uncle Rico — Still believes he can throw a football over them mountains. Frankly, Atlanta is intrigued.

The Falcons have emphasized that this is not a quarterback controversy. A controversy would imply there are multiple good options.This is a search party.

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